i don't want to pretend this part of my life didn't happen. cause this part did. and i don't know if i should feel relief or sadness of how it all ended. you'd expect to find acceptence here. but you learn that depression can return from time to time. it don't make sense why others would make someone feel miserable for no reason at all. what goes around comes around. yet this person doesn't make it come around. this person just takes all the shit of life and bathes in it. this person doesn't want others to have it. hell, this person feels she deserves it. tell me, when you faught your teacher, did you ever think you'd come to meet me as a result of it? did you ever think it would get worse? unexperienced. insecured. selfish. that's who i was when i threw you up against the wall and began to take what i felt was rightfully mine. you were mine. and you loved it. this person looked at me like no other person did before or after. there were no hesitation in her actions. there was no doubt in her eyes. no fear in her heart. this part of my life did happen. and this part of my life ended. all that's left are the memories that i can't forgive myself for creating. the echoing of those fucking words i shouted out to you ring in my head... i don't understand why i write sometimes. i see the path i'm walking on and sometimes i'm facing my own back. and i tell him to not forget. i tell him that this ended a long time ago and that's just a part of the big picture. i scream, it's not the actual image! and then i see him turn around. his face is stained with exhaustion. and he opens his mouth and says, i come from where you're heading towards. i'm just stopping to ask for directions... then he passes by me and i continue this part of life over and over again.
_UNTITLED_
learning to live & living to learn
Boom Billy Bye Bye
let's learn something for a minute.
galaxies contain not only stars, but clouds of gas and dust called nebulae. inside a nebula, you'll find hydrogen gas which gravity then pulls together into a large, spinning cloud over millions of years. the collisions which occur between the hydrogen atoms starts to heat up the gas in the cloud. and then once the temperature reaches 15,000,000 degrees celsius, nuclear fusion takes place in the core of the cloud. such tremendous heat given off by the nuclear fusion causes the gas to glow, thus creating a "protostar." this is the first step in the evolution of a star.
anyway, this is what i named my 1st piece...
and i'm sparking it like a true creator of the universe.
April 27
look, im wierd. im wierd. im wierd. im wierd, im wierd, im wierd. i feel like phun. i feel like im taking someone else's energy. oh, shit. what if? what the fuck if? hmm. calm down. hmm. theres so many lives out there. so many stories to tell. i've been around and about. it makes for a really good live storyteller. (D-.-)=D to tell a tall tale of sorcerers and witches, you must first know the details. like knowing the type of tree they would make a magic wand out of, which would be a holly tree. so their wands would be made out of holly wood. yeah, they make magic there too i guess. i'm bored.
To Want To Have To
i hope you like this song. i'm sure you'll tell me that you don't care. i hope you look up at the sky and see a ufo while you sit on your chair. then look down and you'll find me, so low under your glance. looking calm and listening to that song you don't like. maybe you'll join me on the floor where i smoke out these ants. i ask, why does she smile when she thinks? i see you shake your head off as if it the thought was too much. i want to know if you don't know these things. cause there's really no love without some lust. no feelings without emotions. no tricks without illusions. i want to say yes and agree but we argue over solutions. i want to toss you around and bounce you off the wall. just for one second, please, may you play with your imagination and forget about it all. there is this place that i don't know much about. i would like to go there. and i want to meet people that will say things that don't make much sense but sound like they care. i have no up or down. i need you to know what this means. it's like wanting to listen while you speak over me. it's like traveling to some other country and killing for peace. i want to play as well but know that i hate to want to have to lose. i want you make a face and tell yourself that was confusing. i have no explanation. i don't give them when i'm losing. know that all these things matter and that they really don't. i want you to ignore it all and maybe you'll laugh at them later but hoping you won't. maybe for now you'll feel the wind hug you and the sun bathe you. maybe for now you'll choose love over fear. asking yourself, why, out of all places, did he choose to be here? i see now expectations will get us nowhere outside of what's right or what's wrong. so here we are with nothing to do but to listen to this damn song.
Real Eyes. Realize. Real Lies.
cause everyone fears the same biblical, lyrical end. they pretend to have the answers but it's someone else's words they die to defend. so don't believe you offend when you question all of them like how does lack of evidence make for spirital amends? see their falsity make them friends before the truth tear apart their hands.
it don't make sense how time slows and exilurates. let the world force your senses to get proper framed. we drive fast cars so why do we remain in the same plane? You see me calling in on the count of rain? there's no need for umbrellas. ella. no need for you to hail to mr. rockafeller. ella. get your hands out my pockets or you'll meet the beretta. ella. ella. get it? eh. eh.
now who's the bigger seller? pharmaceutical companies want to make you better so they can get you later. you missing some C? no, you missing these Ds. so you become guinea pigs and letthese pigs make big? you submit and you willingly walk that line. the poor result of allowing fear blind your sight. cause to have blind faith means to be opened to it all with a closed mind.
but realize that inside are the answers you've been trying to find. real eyes become aware that we're different lives that combine. we have the same enemy. we hear the same lies. so don't be surprised when you catch them in disguise. watch the world halt in awe as they watch angels fall from the skies.
Tejuino
you're Surrounded. but you don't feel Anyone yet. eye contact. Nods. smiles. you get reactions. it may be small. iT may grow on you. time goes by. time goes by. time goes bye.. then you Ask, why should i let Myself be known? why shOuldn't i let myself be knowN? you pass by people you mIght never see again. that in itself exCites you. so many possibilities. so mAny chances to start anew and to end. again. and again. you are aware. you are free. you are me. finally, you begin to understand that it wasn't about the soccer game. the exploration. the tejuino. it was about them. it's people that give this place its flavor. just recognize. just play.
The Story So Far... (Returning to the City of Angels)
it's the second night. i'm playing with my brother's computer and pretending someone is actually interested. i am. so someone is.
"i haven't showered in five days," said the guy that i sat next to on the greyhound bus. it was at that moment that i figured this was going to be a some what, positive experience.
"that's your problem, bro," i replied.
he offered me some gum. i accepted it.
at the end of the ride, martin's there to pick me up. smart but awkward. thinks he knows, but he doesn't really. change is not so constant with him.
at his place , che, his friend, sleeps in the living room. on the floor. good guy. we click right away.
sisters alice and mary, they're upstairs. at least i thought so. mary shows up later. sneaking out of the house still. naughty, naughty ex.
brother peter, well, he's upstairs too.
afternoon comes along and gil shows up. gil, gil, gil. alice's boyfriend. peter's desire. my friend.
come nightfall. in hollywood. i fall in love four times. what have i been doing? give me a hug. i'm back. it's good to be back!
second day. at gabriel's place, my oldest brother. tell me stories. tell me plans. tell me goals. what if i fail? i can't go back home. this is home. tell me i won't fail.
"you're going to be fine."
tell me i won't fail.
wife, miledy, sweet as always. issac, son and nephew. little trouble maker. cute kid. mathmagician.
enter robert. second oldest. enter yesenia. wife and sister in law. jester and princess. great people.
family & food. where's ceaser? where's JD? my folks? we need to be together here.
it's night. good second day. tomorrow will be here soon. is here.
job hunting. setting shop. building bridges. living LA.
True Presidents
abraham lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
john kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.
abraham lincoln was elected president in 1860.
john kennedy was elected president in 1960.
the names, lincoln and kennedy, both contain 7 letters.
both presidents were particularly concern with civil rights.
both the presidents wives lost children while living in the white house.
both presidents were shot on a friday, in the head.
president lincoln's secretary was named, ms. kennedy.
president kennedy's secretary was named, ms. lincoln.
both were assassinated by southerners.
both were succeded by southerners.
andrew johnson, who succeded lincoln, was born in 1808.
lyndon johnson, who succeded kennedy, was born in 1908.
john wilkes booth, who assassinated lincoln, was born in 1839.
lee harvey oswald, who assassinated kennedy, was born in 1939.
boh of their names are comprised of 13 letters.
president lincoln was shot in theatre named ford.
president kennedy was shot in a car named lincoln, made by ford.
booth, ran from a theatre and was caught at a warehouse.
oswald, ran from a warehouse and was caught at a theatre.
booth and oswald were both assassinated before they could go to trial.
&
a week before lincoln was shot, he was in monroe, maryland.
a week before kennedy was shot, he was in marilyn monroe.
March 29
the scratching of the head. the baggy lazy boy pants. the tired sway. they've told me i look bored out of my mind.
intensely interest in the little things. don't care much about style. or about much for that matter.
i'm reading a book. you'd think one would respect that.
I Hope They Say, "I Can't Wait to See More Trailers!"
fading in.
flying lotus plays in my background.
fading in.
we focus on a wooden electrical post. we zoom out. four young man enter the scene. they kick up dust and grunt as one struggles against three. we continue to zoom out. the brutal beating of the singled out young man ensues.
we zoom out some more. all three take turns beating on their victim. it's happening in broad daylight. in a empty block corner somewhere in phoenix. after a round, two attackers step out of our scene. one stays and has the victim up against the post. he keeps on landing blows to his face.
they say,
"let's just do this, already."
"come on."
the victim falls on the concrete. his back resting at the base.
we stop zooming out. all four are in the scene now.
we hear,
"okay, go ahead."
the tired boxer pulls out a gun. his partners step backwards. he aims down at his target with his head hung in defeat. there's a small hesitation. then he fires the gun and shoots him in the head.
the bullet's force tilts the body to the side and then it stays still.
"come on."
the group walk off the scene.
we keep the focus on post and body now. the focused never shited once.
we show movie title.
then, fade out.
Getting Rid of Bugs
Drop two or three cigarette butts in a quart of warm water, let sit overnight, strain, and spray on troubling areas. Repeat after six days.
The butts contain nicotine sulfate, which kills any bug--mite, aphid, you name it.
From Here
the world may be falling apart. Good. It needs to shake off the sickness that we have become anyway. is that cold? i don't know anymore. when you sit back and listen and watch as egypt burns, japan drowns, and iraq rots, you tend to forget about temperature.
from where i am, i can see how it all will end and i cant help but have this peace come over me.
from where i am, it doesn't even phase me one bit.
it's physics. i cannot experience that which i'm not the vibration of.
i'm this one guy with basic human desires. this is why i exist. i am this soul within this vessel and i travel to where ever these desires take me. there are experiences that i yearn for. there are people that i want to have with me. places i want to fill. powers i want to control.
from where i am, a smile is all i need.
i'm from here. this place is where i'll be.
Kill Me Cause I Forgot What I Was Doing
Work.
Consume.
Work because you consumed.
Consume because you worked for it.
The more you work, the more you will consume.
Get it?
January 31
Ah. You know, I feel like I can stop and look back and be happy at how I've managed this place for the past six months. I can leave with more confidence and less baggage. I can leave, knowing I can come back and do it all over again. I can do it on my own.
I want a home so badly. But I don't want to be here any longer. Here, in this city. I feel as though I'm failing someone by staying here. I don't know if this is where I should be but I do know that I'm here. Does that make sense? ... Whatever.
I always referred to myself as a lone drifter. I start over all the time. It's a thing about me. Because, like I have said before, to not have a plan is part of the plan! I try to not make sense of it. No point. If I'm here, then I'll say hi.
If I'm not there when you need me, then maybe it's time you get out. Maybe it's time they come looking for you. Those that do keep in touch, hold on to. Those are the ones you should never leave behind.
Adios.
You Exist
there is nothing in the universe that will ever contradict your existence. if you didn't need to exist, trust me, you wouldn't. so therefore, know that you exist. don't deny it. don't try to fight it. you don't have explain why you're here because you already are. you've already arrived, here. and there's nothing you can do about that. you are all concsiousness in a two leg-get form. it's so simple. so powerful. that truth. that beauty. that love. for you to be able to know that you exist.
Ley Lines
one of the most enduring earth mysteries. a network of prehistoric pathways criss-crossing the country, some believe them to have mystical significance.
ley lines are alignments and patterns of powerful, invisible earth energy. they are said to connect various sacred sites, such as churches, temples, stone circles, megaliths, holy wells, burial sites, and other locations of spiritual or magical importance.
major prehistoric structures of higher importance can frequently be found to occupy locations where two or more leys intersect with each other.
alleged ley lines are often identified by spiritualists "dowsing" with rods.
such methods are questionable in their accuracy, so the alleged placing of ley lines should be treated with some skepticism...
... but this is all based on geometry. hyperdimensional grid effects.
#2 On the List - Make REAL Connections
#2 Make real connections
i was so focused on making my place look like ikea suggested. i was trying to be proper and modern. everything had to be a certain color. shit had to match, right? my place always felt empty while filled. it dawned on me that it had no soul. no inspiration. it was awkward. then i stopped caring. "it" makes you do that.
got rid of the tv stand. got rid of the bed frame. i brought things down to my level. simplified things. i wanted less and less. step one was about that. step two is to obtain what matters. connections. "they can't be broken by time or space." - C. So come in, relax. wipe your feet. or don't wipe your feet. who cares?
nothing's expected. just be. here. now. let's answer the questions that truly matter. like, who brought the ganja and who's going to roll up a zig-zag?
Phase 3
when they colonize a part of the world, they do not leave. they do not decolonize. until and unless they have put in place institutions which will insure that THAT society will continue to be ruled by them. and in the process, they seek to transform the rest of mankind into copies of themselves. this has never happened before in history.
if i do not seek to understand what's happening here then i got peanuts in my head! when will i WAKE UP?! When will the world mean more to me than McDonald's Hamburgers?!
